Cluster(fuck) of those coool things

I haven't shared any of the cool things I've encountered recently, which is definitely one of my reasons for making this blog to begin with, in a while. So I'll share some of those cool things I've encountered. Also, all of it is from tumblr. Is that good or bad? (*mysteriously*) You decide! (*as if selling a car*) Now to commercials! What?

The word, 'aesthetic.' CHECK IT

aes·thet·ic

adjective

1.

pertaining to a sense of the beautiful.

2.

of or pertaining to the study of the mind and emotions in relation to the sense of beauty.

3.

having a sense of the beautiful; characterized by a love of beauty.

4.

pertaining to, involving, or concerned with pure emotion and sensation as opposed to pureintellectuality.

noun

5.

the philosophical theory or set of principles governing the idea of beauty at a given time and place.

6.

the study of the nature of sensation.

A picture of three wolves, each a different color, clashing with their wolfie jaws.

Sorry, this one is teeny, but it's a line I came up with / like that I've had in my head. It's also the only thing in this post not from tumblr.

Stay mindful of your surroundings, your mind full of surroundings

I like this GIF. Is it inappropriate? Hopefully you answered, "nahh cuz."

This artist! I scrolled through and stared at a lot of his stuff last night. I was really intrigued by his use of ink and watercolor and colors. Look!

A piece of writing I saw:

“You’re sad because you’re sad.

It’s psychic. It’s the age. It’s chemical.

Go see a shrink or take a pill,

or hug your sadness like an eyeless doll

you need to sleep.

Well, all children are sad

but some get over it.

Count your blessings. Better than that,

buy a hat. Buy a coat or pet.

Take up dancing to forget.

Forget what?

Your sadness, your shadow,

whatever it was that was done to you

the day of the lawn party

when you came inside flushed with the sun,

your mouth sulky with sugar,

in your new dress with the ribbon

and the ice-cream smear,

and said to yourself in the bathroom,

I am not the favorite child.

My darling, when it comes

right down to it

and the light fails and the fog rolls in

and you’re trapped in your overturned body

under a blanket or burning car,

and the red flame is seeping out of you

and igniting the tarmac beside you head

or else the floor, or else the pillow,

none of us is;

or else we all are.”

—	Margaret Atwood, “A Sad Child”

an update (wowow!)

Hello!

T Y P I N G  F R O M  P O R T LA N D~ I've officially moved and begun this chapter, and ahh! I've had very close to no bad vibes at all since I've been here and I think that's pretty rad. (Side-note: please maim my hands in some grotesquely creative fashion for concluding that using the word rad was ever a good idea. It seems right now but I have this feeling it's ickiness will haunt me sooooon?) I'm not really feeling another travel post so I'll summarize my second trek to Portland right here: Montana is vast, vast, vast and full of deer and folk-y accents and forests and (at least half of the time) lotsa fuckin' snow. South Dakota basically just, like, wishes it could be Montana. The rest of the states I went through were either kinda regular or unable to wake my road-trip slumber. 

Whew! Alright, onward. Actually no, backward.. yikes sorry? But the week leading up to ~moving day~ was much more ACTION PACKED than sitting in a truck for two days. It was my mind so effectively going to actual shit instead of staying in tight, healthy neurons. There was scrambling to say goodbye to people (and figuring out how to process those kind of emotions), deciding which of my possessions and clothes I absolutely needed and packing them into boxes jigsaw-style, handing over my bunny that I've had for yeeears, Wafer, to someone that didn't have to take him across the country and put him in a smaller place than he's used to as I would've, and just straight up preparing to move across the country. Dude that is so much.  It was a lot. The day we were going back and forth between the moving truck and the house loading boxes/furniture, I spent about three hours under the impression our two cats had escaped the house and were lost (nope. just well hidden in the basement from the confusing process of a move). Much sobbing ensued after those three hours, only for hella stress of similar origin to revisit the next morning when one was hidden somewhere in our house for another hour and a half. I mean, gawd, this whole process was one damn stressful thing after the other. I wouldn't think it too hard to imagine what a relief just walking around the new apartment was. This whole thing was something I've been anticipating, imagining, talking about, and planning for months now.

I've already gone on for too long about my feeeeeelings and shit on moving, so another lightning-round-style summary of things is in order, I think. So here.

1. I'm loving the way you can wear whatever your kawaii ass heart is capable of dreaming up in this hood. It seems like something pretty minute but sista let me tell you...it feels great. Not only is it cool to style yourself how you wanna, but it's easier than ever. The number of places to buy any kind of clothing, used and therefore for under $20 at most, is a thing of beauty.
2. I'm working on cutting out animal products from my what I eat, which has been challenging-ish for me. I haven't been a meat eater since I was a lil kiddo, but the whole veganism thing is a DIFFERENT ANIMAL (HA OH GOD PUNZ) entirely. Being in such a progressive city helps so much. But I like feeling like I'm just real conscious of what I'm eating.
3. I've been very happy here, I've enjoyed dressing up in my favorite clothes and navigating the transit system to spend time downtown sipping coffee/drawing/reading. 
4. I hope to do some art and upload it.
5. I have a goal of learning as many Beatles songs on my cello as possible in my spare time to practice translating music to instruments it's not often written for.
6. I've been applying for part-time work at a bunch of different pet stores.

Vibes are solid lately, homez. I hope the same is happening for you. 

LET'S JUST SUMMARIZE THIS WORK AS NIGHT-THEMED PROSE.

His words were moon light

so She napped until it was

half past recovered

my world is moon light
not looking forward tonight
I look back
filled with scratches on my arms
where my cat been
since momma left home
all the right ones
disappear
just like i feared
it’s by myself
when I figure it out
it's by myself

i just want a summer hot like my skin tone.
bed warm
like hungry children
hungry dying in third wheel
cut rate pornos
keep breakfast close
like my death notes
grades going down
oh no, okay
well fuck U.C.L.anyway

Bent your knees to look below
hello
cutting crystals
down from an aspirin-lover's sky
favorite toy
we spell out trouble

You can stay here,

You'll be safe until morning.

You get hotter every summer day.

Oh moon, you overdosed last Thursday

on too much screen time.

Among your transgressions was lying,

a deep lie she told to foggy parents.

She's strange and full of light that

like acid

burns

she likes the feel of acid

it burns

hopped off the plane at PDX

Just kidding, we drove. But that song definitely needs to be remembered, imho. WOW SO IMPORTANT BUT LETS START THIS POST NOW

It took 29 hours to go across Iowa and Nebraska, in and out of Wyoming, Utah, and Idaho, and most majestically...upwards into the bountiful state of Oregon to reach Portland.

"so how long-"
"1 day and 5 hours."
"..."
"..."
"fuck"

Driving across the country is generally a pretty crazy thing because of those long stretches of highway. If you're on a certain part of the highway, it's sort of assumed you have plans to go a really far distance in that direction, so according to whoever decides the location of interesting things, there's no need for anything very cool in your near vicinity. With both of us going to Oregon able to drive while the other rested up, we made it without having to stop for any longer than was needed for things like gas, bathroom breaks, and meals. This was the longest distance I was able to assist with driving and it was really chill. Nope, think even chiller. Like...really, really chill. The first shift I took started at 9pm not too long after Omaha, Nebraska and went until about 2 in the morning somewhere farther through Nebraska (which, by the way, continues to be devastatingly empty of anything with even the mere potential to be exciting). That was the longest I drove without switching (five hours), and the whole vibe of being the only one awake in the car with the black night sky was great.

YO ADD ME ON SNAPCHAT AT MICKEYF19 AND BE FULFILLED

So road trip things (It sucks that I have to gloss over hours of my life, hours that seemed to go on forever, but bruuhhhh if I didn't this post would be just a bad time. I crossed through states I'd never been to, bought snacks from people in gas stations whose sole purpose in the entirety of my life was done once the moment was, took some hella naps, and I drove. That's truly as savory as I can tell the story from here on out.) happened, etc etc. T'was towards the evening hours when we got into Oregon, which was an overall lovely entrance. The sky was sorta lavender, a very nice contrast to the particular pacific-northwest-type ecosystem it spanned over.

We spent time walking around the city, walking around a forest (and behind one of this forest's waterfalls), and walking around on Canon Beach of Seaside, Oregon, a brilliant little town I plan on returning to for surfing-related activities. Like surfing. HHAHAHA MICKEY IS JUST TOO MYSTERIOUS. Also, I took some time from four of the five weekdays I was there to visit/tour/shadow at schools I was considering going to. That's a very weird thing, walking into something so ridiculous and intriguing as another high school with zero knowledge of their hierarchies or fashion sense or lunchtime rituals...their things, what makes that school that school. It was even a little stressful at times, I never knew if I was accidentally giving a weird first impression, or if I was giving a first impression at all if it turned out I wasn't going to that school, because there wouldn't really ever be a second impression. Maybe you're seeing a little of how weird it can be sometimes? Eh. Well. I decided on a really nice place in the heart of Portland after all the kids kept telling me that the vibes were wonderful at their school. That stuck out to me and seemed to be a good sign. 

So hey, honestly the trip was great and there's kinda too much to go into for me to go into any of it. Wouldn't wanna be unfair in my approach to the comp. of a blog post, amirite? Right-o. The rest of this is as simple as clicking on a link to a flickr album I put together of my favorite pictures I took if you'd like to see those. 

This is the link. Please for daluvofgawd.. just don't miss this link. I swear on the most beautiful phenomenon of nature imaginable if you miss this fuckin link.

Have a fun time doing something that matches your definition of fun, and doing it to the best of your capabilities! Or just, a good day? Because like, that's probably the least you could manage. There's a holiday bonus waiting for you if you just, at the very least, have a good day. Ugh I DUNNO, BYEE

The planet's most "see you later, alligator" alligator ever

HALFWAY TO THIRTY YEARS

Eight days ago I turned 15.

It was an exciting little deal. The weekend before it happened my mom was visiting Iowa from Oregon and we got a chance to catch up. It was very nice having her home. The Monday before the ol quince', I waited four hours and (mom) paid $125 to get highlights oh-so-professionally installed down all 20" of my hair at the cost cutters closest to our house. I've never done anything with my hair besides wash and brush it, though if you and I were spilling the proverbial beans at a chill little sleepover right now I'd def tell you I hardly ever do that anyway. For as much of it as I have, my hair is zero-maintenance. So yeah man this whole elaborate process of dying some of it a lighter color was beautiful, it lightens up my hair color as a whole and changed it a lot but in a very quiet way, you know?

#inevitable #selfie

The only thing I can remember about the time after hair and before birthday was more struggle to maintain a healthy list of things accomplished by the end of the day. I did more nothing than I appreciated. But I was aware I didn't appreciate it, so I have at least that to be proud of.

Once the b-day of one teenager in love (das me yo) fell upon the planet, I kind of... still.. did nothing? Yikes. But I felt productive because even whilst doing nothing, I was, at least, turning 15. Damn, that logic is so unstable! But it was enough for me, and since it was my birthday party, I could cry if I wanted to. My only form of celebration for myself was meeting my friend at a movie theatre to go see The Lego Movie. We were the only ones in there, so you can sleep well tonight assured that plenty of screaming occurred while the silencing of cell phones or indoor voices dared not. It was a beautiful way to watch that movie, which by the way, WAS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RIDICULOUSLY GOOD. Fucking hysterical. LoTR puns, batman, Charlie Day voicing a little guy that really likes spaceships, the lonely island (0:44 and then later on as well), WERE ONLY A FEW OF THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED. I appreciated every moment up until the end when they, I assume because of some contract issue or other unfortunate shit, seemed obligated to cram a moral lesson into the plot. Otherwise the movie was fantastic and highly entertaining.

Overall, my feelings about getting a year old surrounded a central theme of, "YEAH LETS DO THIS WHOLE YEAR, MAN," because I felt very happy to start saying fifteen instead of fourteen, and excited to grow stronger into myself. Not that that is something one should be waiting to do until they're older, but I kept having this vision of myself in a year from now and that kept me pumped all day.

I read a Kanye appreciation article on Rookie a couple days after my birthday, and a newfound love for the man called Yeezy was born from where there was nothing before. This wasn't exactly anything brief, either. This was a full-on six-page discussion over the artist (that I somehow plowed straight through, oh my god). Topics included were his controversial actions of the past, his performance methods, and his huge passion for making music to speak volumes. His ego was often addressed in this article too, as was it's notoriety. So many people casually call Kanye's pride a really horrible thing when in his interviews, verses, history, whatever, you can clearly see this dude just believes pride in one's own work is very important. And wow, ground-breaking idea coming up... it so is. The main thing is, that's yours, right? You've slaved, you've cried while curled up like a little baby caterpillar, you've sweat and bled for this holy piece of your (absence of a) soul, yet time and time again you'll respond to people that appreciate it (THEY GET IT) by saying shit like, "Oh, this? Nah, it's nothing." That's where Kanye's whole "ego" thing comes out from. He knows his music is really good, and he knows he's worth it, but that makes us really uncomfortable, and so he's overconfident. And that is how we deal with artists that actually have a sense of self-value. It's a really strange thing and it's really sad. Bear with me and think about 'Ye a little longer, at least long enough to check out the video of one emotion-heavy ballad he sings on tour.

I'll sign with a picture my dad sent me of one of his nectarine trees in bloom to remind you to have a lovely first half of the month that spring starts in, and to enjoy this part of the year where all the hot days grow from.

"OUR TIME IS NOW" they gloriously hum into battle

K IM READY TO GO NOW

This week I've had some nice little (not too epic) breakthroughs in my thinking about things, and I'm feeling much more chill about some pieces of my life.

Initially I was really worried about leaving Iowa because I was sad to be missing out on bonds kids have with their classmates when they go to one school all four years. I realized I was creating a bond with my friends, my school, and my surroundings in general, a bond I don't have, just to have an identity for all my confused/scared/anxious energy one has in thinking about moving to somewhere new. I'm not sad to be leaving anymore now that I understand I was synthesizing emotional attachment to everything I'm being pulled from. I'm looking forward to Portland. What I'm happy doing, there is a lot of out there. What I've been keeping busy with around here...is nice, but it's not like what'll go down for me in Portland.

So there was one week I kept just accidentally sleeping through my first (second, third...) class(es... UGH I KNOW STOP JUDGING), which was really horrible because I mean wow, what a way to wake up: with three absences already tacked down for the day upon waking. I dunno, that was a weird time. I'm trying to overcome my disgusting habit of coming home from school, sleeping until 6pm, spending hours on tumblr, then going to bed. If you didn't notice, that shudder-worthy-ingly short list did not include any healthy things I enjoy, like practicing the instruments my family has paid for and for me to learn or doing homework or even just staying awake. So I think I'm getting better. I'm not sleeping all day anymore and I'm back to having enough time to make myself a nutritional lunch in the morning instead of just eating the greasy cafeteria food. It's not a lot of progress, but progress nonetheless and I'm happy about it.

ayyy lmao

I finished a pencil and watercolor self portrait, a little 8"x10" thing. About a month ago my mom was telling me how she was upset that I wasn't remembering to text her enough, and I got really beaten down thinking about that, so I just took a few deep breaths and started outlining my face in the mirror. I felt better. I filled everything in and colored it recently, I really like it.

I found lots of amazing art Sunday on booooooom, including this crazy video. I like how booooooom described it as, "a feast for the ears and eyes". It's a pretty crazy video.

I discovered Camille Sithwick, whose artwork reminds me of my entire life at once, somehow, so that's cool. 

Then Brian Brown. He paints a lot of people not looking right into your eyes, unlike most portraits, but they're also not looking at the obvious signs of destruction or pain right behind them. The people in Brown's work are just completely missing all this shit breaking loose... right behind them. His paintings are pretty effective in getting you to be frustrating with these people.

Finally, my favorite discovery of Sunday is Russian artist Rita Voloh whose drawings have just utterly blown my mind in the most captivating way. In general, as an artist, I'm often blown away by anything that has lots depth and demonstration of skill. Her work is the type that you can stare at for eternity and be content the whole time, because you're constantly uncovering new clues and pieces of the story. She is brilliant without a doubt. I love her clever ways of suggesting some pretty freaky shit so playfully. Basically there's just so much going on in every piece, and she has so many! I'm really happy about her work. I love all of it. 

nostalgia and some crying

Yesterday I performed with my school's original choral reading, a type of theatre arts piece that involves vocal effects (multiple people saying a line in unison, one person saying a line, rippling the lines, etc) and a bit of song/choreography to tell a story, at the IHSSA All-State Festival at Iowa State University.

performed in this auditorium, heyyy shawty
actually this is a replicate selfie of one taken from last year's festival:

****nostalgia****

IHSSA stands for Iowa High School Speech Association, an association that I basically am forever indebted to for giving me the opportunity to create beautiful pieces of art with my school and friends. To be brief in this explanation, nearly 500 schools and 40,000 students across Iowa compete in 12 different events (categories/styles like group improv, musical theatre, mime) at the district level, then state level, then at the All-State Festival, where only 20 groups in each of the 12 categories are still in the game. By that point you're mostly just psyched to be there, the competition aspect is nearly gone, though not entirely--a judge for each category picks one school that they liked the best to win the banner, a huge, old, silk banner embroidered with the logo and everything. I was in choral reading last year too, and we won the banner for that performance. I cried for an hour.

see ugly crying by long-haired freshman wearing all black hahaha

THE GREEN ONE WAS OURS

This year we didn't, we didn't for any of our events. For most schools in Iowa it's not saying much to have left the festival without a banner, though West High is definitely a big name in the Iowan large group theatre crowd, so it was a little disappointing to leave without another year of possessing one of those silken beauties.

costume and makeup

The whole day I kept thinking about how I'll never perform in another one of these things again, per this whole thing where I'm moving to Oregon this summer, and I kept making myself sad about that. I   cried a little right before we went on stage (ugh) but was mostly at peace about it. I spent the drive home talking to my friend in the dark about things like which cities we want to move to and our experience with coming to our school as the new kid.

I went to bed at like 11, probably the earliest in two months. There was an after-party, but idk that was an awkward thing for me because the host seemed to want me to be there but no one assisted in figuring out how to actually get me there, and I ended up just going home. Kind of lame of them to just to leave me without any way of getting to the thing they were all discussing, but that's sort of how high school goes. I had an overwhelming and happy day.

INTRO POST

I'm Michaela and I am taking a running start kind of jump really far down off something really high with this and I am starting this blog. I guess since I've spent so many late nights - that go as far back as 6th grade - pretending to be forgetting homework and losing precious kid-sleep over eclectic little blogs, I've always wanted to be as cool as their authors with their keen fashion eyes and dip dyed hair (whoa, right?). Wow, no I definitely still want to be like them. To be fair, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't tried out blogging in my past, but I think the last time I truly did that was in 8th grade when I made a little website for taking care of pets. Like.. I had a thing for learning about the care of household pets so I wrote about what I found out on the ~~interwebs~~... in middle school? Wow, yeah I don't know. AND WOW OH MY GOD AM I STRAYING OR WHAT

Where was I even going with that, uuh okay well yes, so I've wanted to be like the cool blogger girls I based myself off of since before time (middle school ayy) and save for a couple trials that ended in errors, I haven't thrown myself onto the internet in a while. Hooray for the throwing of oneself onto the internet, no?

So who the gosh diddly darn is this ranting child you're doubtfully still paying attention to? Whoooo? WHO IS SHE? Dude I totally have no idea, but I can describe a little of what my goals are for this, sure.

The main pull I had towards starting a blog was that I've been getting hit more and more with just tropical storms of ideas and concepts and words and colors.. so many things all at once. Most of the time I'll maybe vaguely tweet in reference to my artfeels instead of making them into (#)artreals (hahahahhaaaaaa yeah), you feel? So by the end of the night I've been on tumblr for hours and I've lost a couple of my more sports-orientated twitter followers and, I mean, what's up with that? I shouldn't accept that, right? Right. So I'm giving myself a big ol' blank space for my paintings and new ideas that are too heavy to shove into 140 characters. Because sometimes I feel like there's no reason for me to continue creating when there's nothing coming from it, when it's pretty obvious to me that that is something very important.

So what can you expect as a reader? Novel question. Good work, man. Probably lots of thought posts, watercolors, sketches, school projects I'm proud of, things found, photos. I sometimes wish I had something I was especially interested in I could focus my posts on, but truly there is no one thing for me. I really like fashion, art, music, and different approaches to thinking/creating, so I guess if that's close enough to a central theme, that's as much as you'll be getting. Right now I'm less interested in appealing to an audience/being a useful resource for something specific, and more interested in keeping track of myself as an intellectually active human.

So let's see what happens here. It'll be fun.

Michaela